:(

Last Wednesday my grandma had a stroke that left her with quite a bit of damage to her brain. I found out that due to her wishes of not wanting to be resuscitated, that she wouldn't be recovering.

Today is a sad day, as she is the last of my grandparents. She passed early this morning. I'm happy that she's been reunited with her husband who I know she missed so much. She always talked about him and how much she missed him. So I find a lot of comfort in that.

Since it had almost been a week since the stroke until today, I have been thinking so much about her. I know there were always big occasions (Christmas, birthdays, etc.) but it is all of the little moments that have been flooding my mind the past week.

My grandparents had the best house in the world to play at when I was little. I remember the huge backyard with St. Augustine grass that felt so good on bare feet. I spent hours in that yard hunting and catching lizards, smushing tiny snails, and playing on some huge wooden spool that was the size they use for cable. We'd flip it over sideways and run in the middle of it so that it would roll across the yard like lumberjacks.

There was a canal across the street where I would take a wheelbarrow and a shovel, fill it up with the hermit crabs that lived on the banks of the canal, take it back across the street and play with them all day making amusement parks for them. Then at the end of the day I'd wheel them back and toss them back in the water again. I caught my first fish in the canal.

I also remember taking baths there and thinking how incredibly great my grandma was for always having bath crystals that turned the water blue. I can still remember exactly what that box looked like, because one time I dumped the entire box into the tub. But even after that, she still always had them for me. And Mr. Bubble. After a day of playing with Florida wildlife, I probably really did need a bath.

They had a lava lamp that I would stare at for hours on a piano that my grandpa played. He used to love to play it, and loved more than anything to make up silly songs. He's the one who came up with K, E, double R, Y... Kerry Lynn Reddingaling. And even though my sister will probably kill me, her song was "down by the river where the green grass grows, there sits Kimberly picking her nose." These were always always followed by my grandpa's unique laugh. I can still hear it. Today my sister talked to me and said that she knows that my grandpa had spent the last 5 years up in heaven just waiting for my grandma with some silly song to sing to her when she got there. If there is a piano in heaven, that's where they are at right now.

Lots of good memories in that house. My aunt and uncle were by far the coolest in the whole wide world too.

My last memory of that house was when we were getting in the car to move out west. My grandma made me a butter and jelly sandwich and a glass of orange juice. I honestly can remember trying to drink out of that little juice glass with a huge lump in my throat.

Of course there are a million memories of them coming out to Arizona to visit, after we moved out here too.

So these little thoughts are zooming around in my head. Some make me laugh (quiche me Kerr! My mom will know that one!) and some make me cry. This photo was taken the last time I saw her when she came out to visit. It didn't seem that long ago until I realized how small my kids look in that photo. Although I talked to her on the phone often I still can't believe that was the last time I saw her. She really took a liking to Matthew. He sat with her the entire time she was at my house.




So tonight, I had to go outside and wait for the moon. Every now and then when I'd be talking to her at night on the phone (and I do this with my mom sometimes) I say, "Look up at the moon." Then when I'd know she was looking too, I'd say, "Now we both are looking at it at the same time." It was a fun way to connect across the country. I don't think it was any accident that while I was waiting for the moon to come up, that we had one of the most amazing Arizona sunsets. I watched the sun go down on this crappy day, and without trying to sound sappy I really hope that she's in heaven looking at that same moon with me tonight.

I miss you grandma. Love always.

And mom, dad, Kim and everybody in Florida, I love you and miss you very much. I wish I could be there.